about me
I am and Adult Daughter of an Alcoholic father. My dad had a condition that is now referred to as Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). AUD is considered a disease and is also a complex condition with multiple contributing factors. While it is not always possible to determine the cause of AUD, genetics, and environmental influences play a significant role in why someone might have this disorder. Sadly, AUD can affect the entire family unit. According to the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA), seventy-six million Americans, about 43% of the U.S. adult population, have been exposed to alcoholism in the family. Thankfully, there is help.
Adult Children of Alcoholics adultchildren.org
Al-Anon Help for families. https://al-anon.org/
Social medias many forums consisting of adult children, narcissistic abuse, child abuse awareness, and survivor groups can be effective tools on our healing journey.
While researching I have found many of the stories shared on social media forums are similiar to mine. I have also found that child abuse seems to be a common thread where Alcohol Use Disorder, mental health, and addiction issues are prevalent.
In my book The Art of Bristle, I share my story, because I know there are many of us, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). If as reported, 1 in 5 children are living in a home where alcohol use disorder, and or other addictions are prevalent then this is not only an epidemic now, but has been for generations.
There are many adult children in the world, holding everything inside while trying to make sense of our lives. Wondering why we have allowed people to treat us harshly and why we have treated ourselves so terribly as well. We blame ourselves for things that were never our fault. We see ourselves as either being good or we're bad, sometimes there doesn't seem to be an in between. For many of us this mentality we have, began with our dysfunctional family of origin. And for some like me continued on in to my adult years.
Many of us have denied being a victim because who wants to admit victimhood? Not me. I am a SURVIVOR, better yet I am a WARRIOR! My hope is more adult children will begin to accept that their parents/caretakers were not only alcoholics, addicts, and abusers, but that they had serious mental health issues and narcissistic personality disorders as well. Admitting what is will become a first step toward the journey of healing. Many adult children continue to live in denial feeling alone while internalizing their pain.
For me there was shame attached to admitting that I am an ACoA, and adult survivor of physical and emotional abuse, yet there is freedom in acknowledging and accepting what is. I have tried to hide my shame and anxiety for years but it was exhausting. As a child I learned to keep secrets, not only did my dad have an Alcohol Use Disorder but he and my mother both had traits of a narcissistic personality disorder as well. I protected while trying to figure out normal. I wanted to please. I felt I could help others with their problems. My thinking was I needed to do everything right for others. I was very much codependent.
My thinking was if only my parents were happier there wouldn’t be episodes of drinking or fighting. I felt if I could just do everything right we could be a happy family. What I hadn’t realized is that I have spent most of my life trying to take care of everyone else. My thinking, and my traits were learned behaviors, and ideas of what I thought normal was; my own desperation to survive. I needed to get better too. It's just that I was so busy worrying about everyone else and their needs, that I failed to see what was going on with me.
I have learned that many of the characteristics of an adult child are universal. We grew up in homes where there was drama, no boundaries and a lot of confusion. When those with AUD and personality disorders collide it only makes way for disaster. Children tend to receive the brunt of these chaotic episodes. Believe me, when I say, I know what I'm talking about.
There are quite a few personality disordered people (narcissists), in the world. This type of personality seems to be attracted to those of us who FEEL deeply and want to please. These are not healthy relationships for us to be invested in, ever. From what I understand narcissism as well as addiction issues can be caused by both genetics and or environment. Disordered personalities especially those with addictions, like drama. This can be exhausting. I have to remind myself that I can't change another person, I can only change me and how I react.
NO MORE SECRETS Secrets kept me alone and isolated in my thinking and in my view of the world around me. I grew up keeping my thoughts, and my feelings inside. I've lived my life denying my emotions, intuition, abuse, and who my abusers were. But enough is enough! Counseling, listening to and reading others stories has helped me realize that I'm not alone. I was never alone.
YOU MATTER! We matter and now it's time for us to heal. Our stories have the potential to make a huge impact on everyone. When we share our stories, more Adult children will see that they are not alone either. Maybe through our own healing we will find it in ourselves to reach out; helping to one day end this horrible epidemic of not only AUD but Child Abuse as well. Changing even just one persons perspective can change generations. Generational trauma ends with me. What about you?